Wedding Crashers
by lolomope
Summary: The notorious Cheerio Pirates plan to crash the upcoming wedding between the noble houses of Puckerman and Berry. To do this, two must go undercover. Kurt becomes the woman he was born to be while Quinn finds herself as a man.*Chap 1 fixed*
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **Characters belong to people infinitely cooler than I. If _Glee_ was owned by me, there would be less Rachel and Finn and more Santana/Mercedes/Brittany/Kurt/Puck and Quinn awesomeness. Seriously, we get Finn's an adorable idiot with a low attention span and Rachel's a high maintenance short-thing, don't need to point it out five times every episode.

Um, anyway, this is rated for language, themes and situations (nothing too racy, I think) and general amounts of awesomeness. Kurt and Quinn are the centric characters, so that should be enough incentive for everyone. Yes, that means a _maybe_ plentiful amount of Kurt and Quinn pairings.

* * *

God was working against her.

She loved Him, being Christian and all, but….this was unfair and cruel.

Very, _very_ cruel.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"_William Schuester must _die_", Captain Sue Sylvester spat towards three of her lackeys who were standing in front of her Captain's desk. "He is a disgrace to humanity and a total ninny!"A fist made contact with the wooden top, papers scattered and miscellaneous objects toppled over with a vengeance._

_Silence fell after the outburst while the three young adults stood still to wait for her to continue her bashing of a man they only heard tales of and never actually met. _

"_Plus, his atrocious hair gives me urges to kill young, helpless animals."_

_One of Sue's trusted mate/lackey/slaves raised her hand, a gleeful smirk played across her pretty tanned face. _

"_So you want us to kill him?"_

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Quinn rolled her eyes at the memory of Santana's comment. The excitement in her voice was creepy, but what would one expect from a pyromaniac and knife-fanatic?

With her right hand, the blonde played with the bottom of her white dress shirt, glaring at its navy blue tailcoat partner, while her left hand twirled itself in blonde curls—a nervous habit she adapted to when younger while her father scrutinized her every action in her 'Lady-Training'. Anything done wrong resulted in Quinn receiving a lecture in etiquette, welts, and no meal for the night.

Dammit, she ran away from home so she wouldn't have to wear the noble-styled and very frilly clothes laid out in front of her.

Lifting the coat to her eye level, Quinn scoffed.

Really, who would _want_ to wear something entirely composed of these hideous ruffles?

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"_No, S, I would like the pleasure of wringing his neck myself, thank you," the older woman said without a missing a beat. She then stood and circled to the front of her desk so she could address the assembled group face-to-face. "This poor excuse of a man must be humiliated in the harshest way possible. Multiple times. In front of very important people."_

_Quinn and Kurt gave eachother the 'Uh-Oh, She's Going to do Something Crazy and give Us Ulcers'-look. _

"_Captain," the tall blonde voiced, a polite smile in place in hopes of her assumption being wrong, "what do you suppose we do?"_

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Quinn really, _really _wished she had not been the one to speak after Sylvester revealed yet another portion of her insanity.

One day, the Cheerios leader will run her crew into the ground with her brand of crazy….

Or the smart ones will just save her the time by killing themselves.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

_The smile that played across the Captain's face told the crewmates of the upcoming pain they will indeed go through to achieve her goals. "You're always quick to please, Q, it churns my stomach with disgust and little amounts of pride to see you work hard for me. I'm glad you ask, for I have recently received a delicious bit of information about my curly-haired friend."_

_Kurt's cringed at the snarl in Sue's voice. He felt his own stomach drop dramatically, forewarning him of the horrors to come. _

"_He will be hosting a wedding for two of the wealthiest families in Europe, with live performances of the best music and dancing money could buy. We will do everything in our power and within our resources to halt this obnoxious gay-fest before the bride walks down the aisle for 'I do'"_

"_So you're implying that we _can't_ kill him or…or _anyone_?"_

_Quinn snorted and a spontaneous burst of courage blossomed through her chest. "Are you seriously not over the fact that you won't be able to wield a blunt object and bash someone's head in?" She whipped her hair over her shoulder and turned to look the Captain in the eye. "I am not a patient person, Miss Sylvester, please inform us—or rather _me_—of your reason for this 'secret' meeting before I grow bored and leave."_

_Ignoring Santana's "You know I like setting people on fire more than giving them brain damage", Quinn and Sue shared a glare-off while said Latina stared, uninterested, between Captain and First Mate, and Kurt awkwardly shifted from foot to foot._

"_Why am I even here, ma'am?"_

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Those were the words that broke the thirty-five point three zero eight seconds of indifferent/mutually-respected/affronted stare offs normally shared between the older and younger blondes. Sue was everything but a 'softie' (or, the more offensive lingo she used, pussy) but her crew was family. Once you lived with the same people over an x-amount of years, you grew fond of them, even in the littlest of amounts. The cold captain hated it, but she cherished the three in front of her above anyone else—excluding her real family, of course—and let certain privileges be blessed upon them. Sue was a fair woman, but favoritism was not above her when concerned with these three.

It was this small amount of affection that stopped the tall blonde from kicking the smaller blonde's ass. Quinn knew this; Santana knew this; everyone and their grandmother's dog knew this little factoid. Many know that Quinn would have put up a fight against the older woman and Captain Sylvester respected the blind, stupid courage her first mate exhibited. Hence the title 'First Mate' and "Get-out-of-Jail-free" cards bestowed unto the stubborn blonde.

Kurt's interruption saved Quinn from a bout of ranting on respecting people of higher intelligence/status/age/blah, and hours of waxing the ship's deck with nothing more than a rag the size of the palm of her hand and her own sweat as the waxing substance.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"_So the Fairy speaks", Sue spoke, not breaking eye contact with Quinn. "I'm glad you ask; after much deliberation I have decided to destroy William Schuester from the inside out, and will be needing your feminine charms, Hummel."Kurt raised an eyebrow while Quinn knitted her brows in confusion._

_Hell, even Santana showed interest. She tried covering it by picking at her nails with a freakishly large kitchen knife. No one wanted to know neither where she was hiding it nor who she had killed to obtain it._

_Sue made a mental note to check the kitchen staff and hire if anyone turned out to be 'missing'._

"_Q will be aiding you in this mission. I have chosen you two as you are both my top players—don't give me that look, Santana, you are wonderful as well but I need a _boy_ and a_ girl_ for this particular…espionage mission."_

_The Latina lowered her knife-arm she was just holding over Kurt's oblivious head. A small pout graced her features as she went back to picking at her nails._

_The Captain continued, "You two will go undercover as brother and sister and infiltrate Schuester's property. Learn everything about the couple, wedding plans, and other bits of useful information that will allow me to _crush _his puny head in my fist"—she inhaled through her nose to calm the excitement welling in her chest at the image of her holding a miniature Will and squeezing him until his eyes and brain popped out—"gain his trust and the trust of the bride and groom, then viciously tear the lovers apart and stage the break-up as a mistake in Schuester's wedding planning skills."_

_Sue paused to breathe as her voice pitched higher with adrenaline when she finished the basics of her plan. "That will only be the first half of the plan to destroy William Schuester." She crossed her arms behind her back to coolly address the still confused crewmates. "I still need to work out the kinks in the finale, but it will be remarkable."_

_Kurt ran a hand through his hair before asking "What does this have to do with my 'feminine charms', Captain?" He crossed his arms across his chest, leaned to the side to jut a hip out, and gave his leader a skeptical look._

_Sue suddenly clapped her hands to together and pointed at him with a smirk, "That, my dear little closet-case is the reason." She cast a gaze to two other females present. "Do you see it?"_

_Santana narrowed her eyes and pointed the tip of the knife in Kurt's general direction, "Him acting like a total girl? Yeah, I see it, what of it?"_

_Wait…Sylvester had just mentioned she needed a boy and girl to act the parts of siblings, but how did she have confidence in Kurt to be the 'brother' when she pointed out his blindingly flamboyant personality?_

…

_Boy and Girl._

…

_Kurt and Quinn._

…

_Kurt's effeminateness. _

…

_He liked wearing dresses, didn't he?_

…

_Boy…and Girl?_

_Girly Kurt and Quinn….._

_Oh, crap._

_With sudden realization, Quinn's eyes widened as her throat tightened up. The Captain's words of 'brother' and 'sister' and, earlier, pointing out Kurt's girliness echoed in her head. Connections were made and she was suddenly regretting her standing up to the Captain._

"_C…Captain, don't tell me…_he_ is to play the part of the sister…while I…I…" She couldn't finish the sentence as her voice hitched into a breathless gasp. The others' eyes also widened and Sue's mouth twisted into a grin. Oh, this was the pain their Sue-senses were warning them about._

"_Yes, Fabray, it is _exactly_ what you are thinking."_

_The last thing Kurt remembers before blacking out was the hysterical laughter of one Santana Lopez, Sue's self-praising smile, and the thought he and Quinn shared which the blonde spoke aloud:_

"_Oh…_fuck_". _

_

* * *

_

**A/N: **This is the brainchild of boredom and radical theories certain friends and I come up with about _Glee_. If your brain is starting to hurt, that's good. It means I have done my job. Criticism is encouraged. Bashing…not so much. Look out for the next installment.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I want to apologize to the kind souls who took their time to read chapter one; ouch, that was a bad one. I thought my epicness would be enough for my first time post and I didn't need to edit… buuuuutt it was all lies and slander. Sorry, there is no excuse for my mistake, I know how much of a turn-off it is when the format of the story is all wacky and what not. No excuse.

Mistakes made: No dividers present—the italics and normal texts were supposed to be separated to show a difference in time, which I probably should have indicated in the beginning.

The dividers were a major problem I saw, and there's bound to be more that you guys noticed that I didn't.

Good news: I took the time to actually edit this chapter for a better presentation. Bad news: life threw me a curveball called school, and lots of homework makes a busy and sad lolomope. Chapter three will most likely _not_ be coming soon.

Also, title change. It may be cliche but it was a lot better than the my first choice.

Please tell me if I need to change the rating for whatever reason.

**Disclaimer:** Look at chapter one. I doubt I came into possession of the show between updates…. at least, not to my knowledge I haven't. Hmmmm.

On with the show~

* * *

After waking from his two hour coma, during which no one actually checked up on him, Kurt quickly set to work of taking measurements, gathering materials and designing his and Quinn's clothes. Apparently, the young man always fostered a dream of creating magnificent dresses that would be the envy of every aristocratic woman across Europe and the New World, and keeping with his supposedly male roots, designing the ultimate men's fashion.

No one was surprised with the information.

Quinn, unfortunately, did not fare as well as the fashionista. The split second Kurt's head cracked against the boards of the Captain's floor, the young Fabray did not blow a blood vessel and go on a murdering spree like her impulsive personality hinted she would. Nor did she throw a hissy fit and attempt punching her Captain in the face—which technically went under the "blow a blood vessel" category. The blonde instead calmly walked out of the Cabin, with a hysterically laughing Santana on her heels, stopped at the ship's railing, stood for several moments, and jumped over.

This resulted in Santana laughing harder and carelessly throwing her large kitchen knife in a random direction. A poor girl standing along the railing, minding her own business, was disturbingly impaled in the head. Then hell broke loose.

Sue Sylvester, following her second and third in commands after violently kicking a knocked out Kurt several times in the head—no doubt trying to wake him up—punched an innocent bystander's face in frustration. The blonde woman then marched up to a violently convulsing Latina and pushed her roughly over the railing. "Save your friend, S!" were her wise words as she turned to leave for her Cabin before yelling at a girl crying over a body with knife sticking out of its face, "Toss 'em a rope, Berta, and clean up that mess!"

"My…my name is M-Marilynn, ma'am!"

"Just do what you're told Alice!"

Fearing the wrath of her retreating leader, Francine, or whatever her name was, halted her grieving to retrieve a rope. Flagging down several fellow Cheerios on her quest, she pointed the body of her deceased friend out and the group slowly pushed the corpse over with the tips of their toes. This caused Alice to cry harder in her search of a rope.

Once both women were hauled back onto deck, a major bitch-fight took place.

"Why did you save me!"

"Like hell I wanted to go over and save your Caucasian ass! My hair is ruined because of you, slutty harlot!"

"_Harlot!_ You're going _down_ Lopez."

"Bring it, Fabray!"

The Latina lunged at the blonde with her hands ready to claw the blonde's eyes out while Quinn ducked and slammed her body into the lunging girl's forcing them to the ground with her on top. Much rolling, hair-pulling, punches and biting ensued, until a loud voice tore through the air with the ferocity of ten thousand bears.

"FABRAY, LOPEZ, IN HERE NOW!"

The girls around them making bets jumped ten feet in the air before going back to their respective jobs and the two brawling women scowled at eachother before walking back into their Captain's Cabin. Quinn stared at a comatose body wondering how it got there in the first place. Knowledge before her little breakdown apparently wiped itself from her memory.

Santana was livid enough to ignore the sounds of Kurt's ribs cracking under the pressure of her feet, though she would have stepped on him whether or not she was angry just because it was Kurt.

Sue then gave them both a lecture that lasted two hours about the etiquette of the Cheerio Pirates and how crewmates were not allowed to fight unless she was present and acting as a mediator. Quinn switched the topic towrds the end of the lecture/rant by trying to get out of her predicament with whining and suggested her own idea: why not _Kurt_ being the man instead of her?

"I know it sounds crazy, but he has the equipment I lack; it's a match made in heaven, ma'am!"

"Or hell…." Santana whispered unnoticeably while examining her nails.

"Q, Fruitcake is more feminine than any of the girls on this ship and across all of Europe, he would make a horrible man."

Kurt had woken by this time and sagely nodded his head in agreement while sketching his dress designs on a piece of parchment paper he pulled from thin air. "Captain's right, Quinn, I may have the physique of a male, but I am all woman." From his place on the floor—stretched on his stomach and feet in the air—he flashed a handsome smile towards his audience and turned back to his sketching. So far, there were twenty-five designs scattered around Kurt, and it looked he would not be stopping anytime soon.

Quinn twitched, disturbed, and both Santana and Sue gagged in disgust.

"See? Prime example number one."

The youngest blonde present frowned and asked, "Why can't San do it?"

Her friend's head turned so quickly the crack resounded off the walls in the Cabin. "You saying I'm masculine, _Q_?" The woman bared her teeth. "I certainly hope that's not what you're implying." Santana's hand twitched, most likely reliving the feeling of a knife handle secure in its grasp, or searching for that feeling, and she stared icily at her companion.

Quinn remembers sighing, headache exploding in her head, and spending the next thirty minutes reassuring the Latina of her femininity. Afterwards, Quinn gave up on life and agreed to Sue's crazy plan of bringing down Will Schuester with humiliation, planning to just hang herself in the ship's kitchens for the hell of it. Her religion stopped her, suicide frowned upon and everything, so she instead wallowed in her depression while eating a lot of food.

….No one quite understood why there was a kitchen on a ship where everyone virtually ate nothing….

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Two days later, when the cooks kicked her out and she subsequently puked her guts out, Quinn found several men's attire in her small cabin and a triumphantly smiling Kurt.

"I told you I could do it." Twirling his hand in the air as if presenting treasure to the woman, Kurt danced around her before picking up a nice jacket. "This blue color is the only color I had on hand that would compliment your pale skin. It's a shame we have no earth tones to match your eyes, it would look great on you while simultaneously emphasizing your slim figure." He frowned, holding the material against Quinn's frame. "A shame, really."

Quinn felt a smile tug on her lips when the man mentioned "slim" but quickly straightened it out in guilt from her earlier pig out. She took a step back to examine the other clothes Kurt brought into her cabin. Shirts, undershirts and jackets found their places atop her bed—all except for the undershirts came in different shades of blue, the darkest hue looking black against her white sheets. "Wow, I'm impressed, Hummel. You made all these...fine clothes in two days?" She chose to ignore the leather pants stretched over in a corner.

And the fact that _only_ pants present were crafted from leather and no other material.

The fashionista made a 'pshaw' sound. "Like _hell_ I did, most of these are mine that I tailored to fit your size. I, of course, spent the last two days working on my masterpieces. Do you know how hard it is to fashion a dress from the curtains in our cabins?"

Quinn noticed she no longer had any curtains to protect her from the night sea breeze.

"Kurt, _really_? I needed those! I'm going to freeze to death now!"

"You're not going to need them."

"Would you like to inform me of the reason why I won't be needing my nice, and, might I add, _hand sewn by my grandmother_, curtains?"

Kurt looked out the door behind the fuming woman with a fake incredulous expression adorned on his face. "Goodness, are we actually at our destination now? Did we really arrive at Lima while Miss Fabray was busy feeling sorry for herself in the kitchen? Did the world not stop for her—"

His rant on Quinn's selfishness was cut short as said Fabray whipped around and ran out on deck. It was true, the pirate ship was anchored several hundred meters away from the shore a small island and some Cheerios were loading a row boat just a few feet to the side of Quinn.

"How did I _not _notice this?" The woman mumbled to herself, wondering how she missed the ship no longer moving and the small port island in view on her way back to her cabin.

"Well," Kurt sidled up next to her, "you spent forty-eight hours in a closed space thinking of nothing but yourself, it's a miracle you remember who _I_ am."

Her fist connected with his upper arm and he gave a pathetic squeal of pain only to have the pain continue when the blonde stepped harshly on his toes. "That doesn't answer my question, maggot." A girlish grunt was his reply as he nursed his arm and stood on one foot to avoid putting pressure on the injured one.

Santana appeared by Quinn's right shoulder, a devilish smirk in place as she coiled her arm around the other woman's shoulders. The arm was snug tightly around Quinn's neck in an almost choking fashion. "Ready for your 'noble mission' of inflating Sue Sylvester's ego, First Mate?" she hissed. The words curled in Quinn's ear, burning her skin, and she shivered.

"Honestly? I want to go back to my little corner in the kitchen."

Santana's other hand patted a cheek in a mocking comradery-like manner. "I'm sure you'll make all the women faint with desire, they might find your androgyny very attractive. You might even find yourself a wife."

"Go to hell."

"Well, I did once and I was kicked out for being too evil."

Kurt snorted. "She probably bullied Lucifer into giving her His throne and all the demons and damned souls loathed her dictatorship, so they planned a mutiny."

Santana continued to smirk while Quinn rolled her eyes. "So what does Captain Sylvester want us to do from here?"

"You and I will get dressed before leaving the ship and we'll just row our selves to the shore. Lima is a small island province owned by England, so all the residents should know our language and there will be no trouble with communication. Schuester's mansion is near the center of Lima and we'll catch a ride in a carriage. From there, well, Captain says we just improvise." Kurt finished with a deep breathe, face flushed in excitement.

Quinn raised an eyebrow in concern, "That doesn't sound too good. How am I supposed to…..play out my character if I don't know how real men act? No offense, Hummel."

"Pretend you're Santana."

"Fuck off, Twinkles."

Quinn felt another headache coming on as the two around her started to bicker. This really sucked. God, in all His infinite mystery, must be playing a joke on her, that must be it. She might convert to Atheism, like Santans, to spite Him. Quinn placed her head in her hands, as well as she could without choking herself further in Santana's grip, and started to cry.

Nothing in the entire world could prepare her for the amount of humor God planned to get out of His little 'prank'.


End file.
